Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
