remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
