dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize