last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
