hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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