I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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