Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
he thought i was a dude.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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