If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
