If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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