she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
