I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
