My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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