I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
