Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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