im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
