Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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