Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize