So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
