dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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