my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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