oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
