I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
