Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
