You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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