Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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