She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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