god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
