I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
