thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
