apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
