I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize