when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I am spending my child support on dildos
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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