fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize