well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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