areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
