Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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