I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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