so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize