We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
