Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize