why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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