I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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