Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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