i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
