I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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