I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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