Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
