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fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
