when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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