She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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