Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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