I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
