If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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