Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
