shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He did a backflip because drugs
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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