So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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