Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize