at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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