our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There r osticjed everywhere
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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