I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
