I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
