Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
